The Almighty Sprug: Gulliver's Eyewitness Account of the Quaint Economy of Lilliput Page 2

by famous High Heels were written about the problem, but prosperity continued to grow, and the castles continued to stink.

  SOME EARLY SOLUTIONS; There were many attempts to resolve the problem, and, because the High Heels hated to undo anything that had happened before, even though they no longer served any purpose, vestiges of the attempts were still in place when I arrived. Let me enumerate a few of their more important attempts to end the problem with the tithe and the stink it created:

  Expanded Government: The first attempt to end the stink was thought up by a Low Heel. He proposed to resolve the problem by expanding the size of the island’s government bureaucracy. This, he argued, would take workers out of productive jobs and put them into non-productive jobs in government, and thus reduce production and, therefore, reduce the tithe. For once the High Heels agreed with the Low Heel and the idea, very well received, was quickly put into action.

  The emperor and the Parliament particularly liked having a large bureaucracy to do their bidding, it made them feel important, so they continued to add to it all the time. But the bureaucracy created its own problems. For one thing the bureaucrats thoughtlessly began developing better economic organization. This improvement not only increased production, but benefited peasants, and it was not long before peasants were living on Lilliput almost as well as the aristocracy.

  This obviously would not do. In fact the High Heels adopted a party policy against increasing government, because it tended to seriously reduce class distinction, and was too beneficial for peasants. However, the High Heels ignored their own policy, and kept adding to the bureaucracy, for they loved having so many people at their command to carry out their wishes. So the bureaucracy continued growing and was enormous when I arrived.

  Large War Machine: Unfortunately, while enlarging government took many people out of productive work, it still didn’t solve the problem of the stinking tithe. Production just continued to grow, the tithe kept growing, and the stink kept getting worse. Then a High Heel hit upon another clever idea. Since the tithe didn’t apply to a war effort, he suggested the emperor simply enlarge the army and navy and the production of war materials.

  This idea got quick approval. It not only took huge numbers of workers out of productive labor, but the war material projects would produce goods not subject to the tithe that would quickly grow obsolete and need to be replaced on a regular basis. It was such a great idea, and had so many wonderful unproductive effects; the army and navy and war production were still growing when I arrived.

  Wars: But a large bureaucracy, a large army and navy and extensive war production only solved the problem of the stink for a little while. Technology and organization kept improving production on Lilliput at such a rapid pace, the tithe and the stink still kept growing by leaps and bounds.

  Then, suddenly the emperor, himself, hit upon a brilliant idea. If he had an army and navy and plenty of war materials, “Why not go to war with the neighboring island of Blefuscu.” After all the emperor of Blefuscu was having the very same problem with his tithe, too, and would probably think a war a jolly good idea.

  And not only would a war rapidly use up goods and services, a war would have the extra bonus of casualties and remove workers permanently. It could even have the advantage of permanently destroying productive farms and factories.

  So, where the people on the two islands had always lived in peace, their emperors agreed to create an incident to cause a war, and found going to war a very popular idea. While many Lilliputians enjoyed life in a Garden of Eden where there was no struggle, many found it very boring and longed for excitement.

  So when the emperors announced the start of a war, it was met by huge patriotic crowds and parades and long lines of men begging to serve. Girls liked it too, for they got a chance to work in factories and get out of the house. So, the soldiers and sailors, with banners flying and pipes playing, sailed off to war dreaming of returning heroes.

  But, alas, the emperor soon found war also had its problems, for, eventually, the people discovered their sons and husbands could get killed in war, and their property could be destroyed. So, after the initial joy, the people would always begin to grumble. In fact there were sometimes protests on both Lilliput and Blefuscu that got so violent it upset the emperors and they both had to call out the militia.

  But war was such a wonderful solution to the problem of the tithe that the emperors soon found a way to continue them. They arranged to have one big war with each new generation, and then only short limited wars in between. So Lilliput and Blefuscu had a big war about every twenty years, and then little limited wars in between. This worked out very well for they were spaced far enough apart that most would forget the problems with war, and happily to go along.

  But, alas, even war didn’t solve the tithe problem and the stink. Organization and technology just kept improving production, and castles just got so smelly the residents of the castles began to wonder if it was worthwhile to be a member of the aristocracy. They bugged the emperor to find some way to permanently stop this damned prosperity among the peasants – short of deliberately burning fields and killing workers – but that was also an option they kept on the table.

  Finally, after racking their brains for many years, a lone High Heel from a new generation suggested a solution that was to prove absolutely perfect. It not only reduced production so the Lords and Ladies never had to worry again about a smelly castle, it totally ended the Garden of Eden, and made being a Lord and Lady wonderful again. The Emperor decided to issue what was to become known as The Almighty Sprug.